05.09.2010 Discussions 1 Comment

Jesus built my hotrod?


There is no argument that Jesus is the most famous carpenter in recorded history, but portions of his documented life are incomplete with many years actually missing… Eighteen years in the account of Jesus’ life from the age of twelve years to thirty years old (about the same age that most of us discovered our affinity for the automobile) are empty and waiting for a discovery to fill them. So what happened during these years? There are several theories as to where Jesus was or might have been doing during that time, but these “opinions” are hazy at best… For instance, the bible suggests that Jesus had advanced in wisdom, stature, and in favor with God and man during this time (yeah, that’s not vague). Other stories say that he spent some time with Therapeutae, a Buddhist teacher learning their peaceful ways, while most people assume that he was growing up in the same way most teenagers would have and simply did not do anything especially noteworthy… Being that nothing definitive has ever been found about these missing 18 years, for now history is open to interpretation.

Recently, documentation has been found to help substantiate the long time speculation that Jesus did in fact build hot rods during his teen years. The search was sparked by the 1991 Ministry release of the song titled Jesus Built my Hotrod which stated:

Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true,
Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil,

Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet.
All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world,
so there was only one thing that I could do
was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.

This song has been credited with single-handedly launching the idea that during the undocumented years of his life, Jesus may have been not only a famous carpenter, but possibly an automotive fabricator as well… This idea is not all that far off considering that there are several scriptures in the bible which make reference to automobiles being used to carry out God’s work. For instance, in Genesis chapter 3 it is said that God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Although Genesis does not mention what type of vehicle God drove, a few chapters do make reference to specific models. In Jeremiah chapter 32 it states God drove the people of Israel and Judah out of the city in his [Plymouth] Fury and John chapter 12 says that Jesus did not speak of his own Accord (probably because he was embarrassed to drive a Honda)… Even with this supporting documentation, finding definitive proof that Jesus was in fact a fabricator is much more difficult than one would think… Most biblical scholars, being insistent that cars did not exist before the late 1800s, have little to say about the possibility of Jesus being a fabricator… and beyond the debate about the existence of automobiles during biblical history, what tooling Jesus might have used is also a major hurdle in substantiating the possibility of Jesus’ least known moniker “Fabricator Extraordinaire.”

My theory


Jesus had a major advantage to be anything that he desired, including being a fabricator…Since God, Christianity’s undisputed creator of everything good and wonderful, is Jesus’ father, it is reasonable to believe that God would have created unique helpers for Jesus as well as special powers to assist him with his then obscure hobby of automotive customizing (see attached photo).

Of course this is only my interpretation of what Jesus’ shop would have looked like during full swing,
but based on some of the miracles mentioned in the bible this isn’t all that far off-base.

Would you like to get involved?


The photograph below is the only substantial piece of evidence that Jesus “fabricator extraordinaire” might have existed, but those of us who believe are always on the lookout for more clues and information. If you are interested in joining our search for the truth, we meet in an abandoned warehouse in Damascus the day before every third lunar eclipse of the year (directions to the warehouse are available at every major hotel and restaurant in Damascus).

Reader submitted findings


This little known artifact was sent to us by Brian Stupski from Problem Child Kustom Studio. Until more testing can be done, it is being referred to as “the Chamois of Turin.”

One Response to “Jesus built my hotrod?”

  1. Brian says:

    Skimming through my personal “Hall of Records” (or, as the wife refers to it: “that pile of old National Geographics, porn and tabloids”), I discovered that during the eighteen years (or “The Happy Days”, as mentioned in the book of Fonz, chapter “aaaayyyyyt”, verse, well, “aaaayyyyyt”), He studied at Nazareth Tech, building upon his instructor’s teachings in Burro-Diesel and gravity racing, and using parts pilfered from old Roman chariots, created Dead Sea racers, the grandfather of what we today know as dry lakes roadsters. Interestingly enough, he converted his third attempt, the “Golden Calf” into a full kustom, “The Ark”, which, when lost, had a copy of the first custom car annual magazine on the front seat, “The Covenant”. Oddly, through time, this story has been misinterpreted, sending many an adventurer to near peril, and some having their faces melted off as they stared unwittingly into His welding flash of doom. It was also during this time that He had a few mishaps, one such leading to the also oft-misinterpreted “miracle of the lobes and miss”, wherein He ran His altered-wheelbase dragster on what had appeared to be a completely lobe-less camshaft, besting Saul of East Antioch in the Gomorrah Nationals by three tenths. I hope this helps clear the air.