05.09.2010 Discussions 1 Comment

Jesus built my hotrod?


There is no argument that Jesus is the most famous carpenter in recorded history, but portions of his documented life are incomplete with many years actually missing… Eighteen years in the account of Jesus’ life from the age of twelve years to thirty years old (about the same age that most of us discovered our affinity for the automobile) are empty and waiting for a discovery to fill them. So what happened during these years? There are several theories as to where Jesus was or might have been doing during that time, but these “opinions” are hazy at best… For instance, the bible suggests that Jesus had advanced in wisdom, stature, and in favor with God and man during this time (yeah, that’s not vague). Other stories say that he spent some time with Therapeutae, a Buddhist teacher learning their peaceful ways, while most people assume that he was growing up in the same way most teenagers would have and simply did not do anything especially noteworthy… Being that nothing definitive has ever been found about these missing 18 years, for now history is open to interpretation.

Recently, documentation has been found to help substantiate the long time speculation that Jesus did in fact build hot rods during his teen years. The search was sparked by the 1991 Ministry release of the song titled Jesus Built my Hotrod which stated:

Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true,
Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil,

Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet.
All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world,
so there was only one thing that I could do
was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.

This song has been credited with single-handedly launching the idea that during the undocumented years of his life, Jesus may have been not only a famous carpenter, but possibly an automotive fabricator as well… This idea is not all that far off considering that there are several scriptures in the bible which make reference to automobiles being used to carry out God’s work. For instance, in Genesis chapter 3 it is said that God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Although Genesis does not mention what type of vehicle God drove, a few chapters do make reference to specific models. In Jeremiah chapter 32 it states God drove the people of Israel and Judah out of the city in his [Plymouth] Fury and John chapter 12 says that Jesus did not speak of his own Accord (probably because he was embarrassed to drive a Honda)… Even with this supporting documentation, finding definitive proof that Jesus was in fact a fabricator is much more difficult than one would think… Most biblical scholars, being insistent that cars did not exist before the late 1800s, have little to say about the possibility of Jesus being a fabricator… and beyond the debate about the existence of automobiles during biblical history, what tooling Jesus might have used is also a major hurdle in substantiating the possibility of Jesus’ least known moniker “Fabricator Extraordinaire.”

My theory


Jesus had a major advantage to be anything that he desired, including being a fabricator…Since God, Christianity’s undisputed creator of everything good and wonderful, is Jesus’ father, it is reasonable to believe that God would have created unique helpers for Jesus as well as special powers to assist him with his then obscure hobby of automotive customizing (see attached photo).

Of course this is only my interpretation of what Jesus’ shop would have looked like during full swing,
but based on some of the miracles mentioned in the bible this isn’t all that far off-base.

Would you like to get involved?


The photograph below is the only substantial piece of evidence that Jesus “fabricator extraordinaire” might have existed, but those of us who believe are always on the lookout for more clues and information. If you are interested in joining our search for the truth, we meet in an abandoned warehouse in Damascus the day before every third lunar eclipse of the year (directions to the warehouse are available at every major hotel and restaurant in Damascus).

Reader submitted findings


This little known artifact was sent to us by Brian Stupski from Problem Child Kustom Studio. Until more testing can be done, it is being referred to as “the Chamois of Turin.”

20.07.2010 Discussions 7 Comments


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A guy at a local carshow, Baton Rouge, LA- Designerol5 is the bomb! And by that I mean it gave me explosive diarrhea.  But not just any diarrhea. We’re talking true squirts of wisdom here.  Just pop it in and you’ll be running back and forth between the metal table and the shop toilet with the best ideas and worst mud butt you’ve ever had.  Thanks Designerol5!

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Braiden “T.J.” McDillmanberg, Mall Parking Lot, CA If your like me, than you can get good knowlidge from Designerol5. Even nuns made fun of me cuz I thought a Watts link was a bus connection to go and watch riots (now I know its for hooking up gages and BMW halo lights). It’s like wicked easy. I wake up, ask mom for breakfast, and shove in a Designrol. Just one a day for like almost a week or whatever, and I don’t just feel all smarter, but I’m designing with skillz, bro. We adapted some air bags we took from the neighbor’s cars, and once we get the steering wheels off wer’e  gonna show those guys at the lowrider show what hopping really is next week. I like totally never woodof thought of that before Designerol5.
I work at the Walgreens Photo counter for now, but I think my bro Jaiden said Designerol6 is coming with a camera. I’m totally gonna be a photographer, too cuz the best fab dudes write for magazines sometimes and taking pictures makes a story better.


Designerol5® is not for everybody and should not be taken if: you have ever had an original thought,  have a history of intelligence, don’t like things in your ass, people like you, your truck is nice, if you simply know better. Also if you are taking any other knowledge enhancing drug and if you are smart enough to read this you should definitely consult a doctor before taking Designerol5®

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Special thanks to:

Eric Saliba- the Little Shop of Horrors, Brian Stupski- Problem Child Kustom Studio & Johnny O- Johnny O Photo for trying Designerol


Please tell us about your experiences with Designerol

03.07.2010 Discussions 22 Comments


Perfectly engineered

"Specifically designed" poop being used as a soap dish... Well done!

It seems like the term “engineered” is thrown around as loosely as “high-def” and “low-carb” these days. It’s interesting how companies trying to market themselves are willing to improperly use words or phrases to describe their product. I think that late-night television is more guilty of this than anyone, but I see it all the time in the custom automotive aftermarket industry where the existence of ignorant impulse-buyers is far less concentrated and presumably more educated. An example of what I’m talking about is this… A company will advertise a suspension part that is “specifically engineered” to fit your vehicle and that no expense was spared in building said product (immediately my internal bullshit alarm goes off). My issue is that you would not engineer a part to fit anything, one would design a part to fit a particular application and hopefully in doing so they would also spend the time engineering the part to withstand the abuse the part is expected to endure when used in the application for which it was designed… Even the phrase “specifically designed” is used far too often for my taste. For instance, I could develop a new product as a smoking deterrent to keep people from using your ashtray for actual ashes where I form a pile of cat shit that is “specifically designed” to fit in your ashtray. But I don’t think that even if my new product “Pile-O-Poo Smoking Deterrent Ashtray Filler” were properly engineered and guaranteed not to crack after opening your ashtray over and over again so that you can bask in the beauty that is your perfectly designed pile of used cat food would you be interested in purchasing my new-fangled smoking inhibitor. Yet somehow if a company were to make a sub-par product, powdercoat it some shiny color that was pleasing to the eyes and call it “specifically engineered,” it would sell. How is our industry so easily distracted by some properly placed phrases and sparkly paint?