There is no argument that Jesus is the most famous carpenter in recorded history, but portions of his documented life are incomplete with many years actually missing… Eighteen years in the account of Jesus’ life from the age of twelve years to thirty years old (about the same age that most of us discovered our affinity for the automobile) are empty and waiting for a discovery to fill them. So what happened during these years? There are several theories as to where Jesus was or might have been doing during that time, but these “opinions” are hazy at best… For instance, the bible suggests that Jesus had advanced in wisdom, stature, and in favor with God and man during this time (yeah, that’s not vague). Other stories say that he spent some time with Therapeutae, a Buddhist teacher learning their peaceful ways, while most people assume that he was growing up in the same way most teenagers would have and simply did not do anything especially noteworthy… Being that nothing definitive has ever been found about these missing 18 years, for now history is open to interpretation.

Recently, documentation has been found to help substantiate the long time speculation that Jesus did in fact build hot rods during his teen years. The search was sparked by the 1991 Ministry release of the song titled Jesus Built my Hotrod which stated:

This song has been credited with single-handedly launching the idea that during the undocumented years of his life, Jesus may have been not only a famous carpenter, but possibly an automotive fabricator as well… This idea is not all that far off considering that there are several scriptures in the bible which make reference to automobiles being used to carry out God’s work. For instance, in Genesis chapter 3 it is said that God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Although Genesis does not mention what type of vehicle God drove, a few chapters do make reference to specific models. In Jeremiah chapter 32 it states God drove the people of Israel and Judah out of the city in his [Plymouth] Fury and John chapter 12 says that Jesus did not speak of his own Accord (probably because he was embarrassed to drive a Honda)… Even with this supporting documentation, finding definitive proof that Jesus was in fact a fabricator is much more difficult than one would think… Most biblical scholars, being insistent that cars did not exist before the late 1800s, have little to say about the possibility of Jesus being a fabricator… and beyond the debate about the existence of automobiles during biblical history, what tooling Jesus might have used is also a major hurdle in substantiating the possibility of Jesus’ least known moniker “Fabricator Extraordinaire.”

My theory

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Jesus had a major advantage to be anything that he desired, including being a fabricator…Since God, Christianity’s undisputed creator of everything good and wonderful, is Jesus’ father, it is reasonable to believe that God would have created unique helpers for Jesus as well as special powers to assist him with his then obscure hobby of automotive customizing (see attached photo).

Of course this is only my interpretation of what Jesus’ shop would have looked like during full swing,
but based on some of the miracles mentioned in the bible this isn’t all that far off-base.

Would you like to get involved?

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The photograph below is the only substantial piece of evidence that Jesus “fabricator extraordinaire” might have existed, but those of us who believe are always on the lookout for more clues and information. If you are interested in joining our search for the truth, we meet in an abandoned warehouse in Damascus the day before every third lunar eclipse of the year (directions to the warehouse are available at every major hotel and restaurant in Damascus).

Reader submitted findings

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This little known artifact was sent to us by Brian Stupski from Problem Child Kustom Studio. Until more testing can be done, it is being referred to as “the Chamois of Turin.”

And on with my story…

I don’t think any argument is made more often than “I have a 2-link and it works great.”
The problem with trying to explain the downfalls of a 2-link is that the people who have them are happy with how they perform and don’t understand why we all “hate” (not my word) on them… What everyone needs to understand before we even consider the design weaknesses of the 2-link is that not everyone knows or even cares how much nicer a properly designed suspension truly is. Most people would get into a brand new Honda Accord and think that it drove fantastic and handled awesome… Don’t you think that a Ferrari would destroy an Accord on the track? Or that a Maybach would make the Accord seem as though it rode like a buck-board? Of course they would, but 99% of the world doesn’t need a Ferrari or a Maybach to be happy driving to work; hell I’d be stoked to drive an Accord… One of the other things I often hear is “I drive the hell out of my truck and my 2-link works great” or “I tow with my 2-link all the time.” Well I hate to break it to you, but most of you don’t have a clue what driving the hell out of your vehicle really is and tow-ability has little to do with proper suspension designs (despite what you may believe, big rigs are not the pinnacle of suspension design technology these days). So before we go on to the actual weaknesses of the 2-link, realize that most people do not need to own the best products out there and are very happy with the products that do what they need them to.

The biggest design issue with a 2-link is that they don’t allow articulation (one wheel up and one wheel down). If you are thinking to yourself that your 2-link does articulate, well then now you know that something is flexing in your suspension somewhere. That is why most 2-links are built like Sherman tanks. If 2-links were built as light weight as my 3 or 4-link designs, then there is no question that they would break within the first week of driving… Realize that the reason a 2-link can’t articulate is because the way that a 2-link mounts to the frame and the rearend housing is exactly how you would install a swaybar. But before you get all excited about owning the biggest swaybar on your block, understand that swaybars do not make your vehicle handle better, despite what you may believe. Besides, how unbalanced is it to have the world’s largest swaybar on the rear of your vehicle and a stock one or maybe even nothing on the front. Anyone can understand that a poorly matched suspension system would be undesirable.

A 2-link and a 4-link can have similar ride characteristics though. Using the same spring rate and shock valving coupled with similar ride heights will net similar ride qualities from both systems, but this is where most people get lost… Dynamics. This is the active relationship between the suspension, the road, and the vehicle itself. When you hit a bump, take a corner, accelerate, or brake, the vehicle reacts to these dynamic changes based on the vehicle’s suspension design. The points where the suspension attaches to the vehicle are what determine how the vehicle will respond to the inputs from the road; some points will corner better than others while some will accelerate better. A good designer understands how the vehicle will react to even small changes in suspension geometry. I’m sure that you have all seen the drag-race link systems with many different holes? Well that is exactly what they are for… tuning.

Differences-

The simplistic design of the 2link is both its beauty and its weakness. It has very few mounting options and so they have very little room to mess up, but with that they also have very little tunability. A 4-link on the other hand has limitless tuning options for any driving condition, but these options can become overwhelming and dangerous if not addressed properly by the designer. A 2-link is generally only acceptable on the street in basic point-A to point-B driving conditions. A 4-link can do the same chores as the 2-link, but with the ability of some weekend road racing or off-road racing if it so pleases you.

I don’t have a Snell system though-

I know lots of people that have $400 dollar Bose surround sound systems in their home and they all tell me how much they love it and brag about how good it sounds, but once they hear the custom sound system that I have in my my movie room they quickly realize the shortcomings of their Bose system. Most of them tell me that the money that it would take to build a system similar to mine is just not worth it to them, but they think that it kicks ass… 2-links fall in to this same thing. Until you drive a truck with a truly nice suspension system, you will think that yours works great. Not all 4-links are designed properly, in fact I would be willing to say that most 4-links are not, but when you do get to drive one that is you will understand the difference.

In this side view of the rear suspension, you cannot tell if there are 3 or 4 bars or how the bars are oriented. The instant center is found by extending the lines through the pivot points until they intersect. From there, anti squat is found by drawing a line from the IC to the center of the tire at the ground. Where that line crosses the center of gravity line it creates our measuring point ‘A’. The percentage of the line from the ground to our intersect point is the percentage of anti squat.

Double convoluted bag

The double-convoluted bag has a high spring rate and has a fast rising rate (as the bag colapses, the spring rate gets stiffer). They are typically used in higher load applications like front suspensions, or mounted on a link bar under leverage to get more travel and still have an acceptable ride. If a double convoluted bag is mounted in a 1:1 position, for instance directly over the axle, your ride quality will suffer.

Sleeve style bag

Because of the way the sleeve style bag works, it has a lower spring rate and does not have a very fast rising rate. They are most commonly used directly over the axle, but do not have as high of a weight carrying capacity. The sleeve bags that you do see used in high load situations are quite large. The odd thing that I have found from using sleeve bags is that they work much better if the vehicle is heavier. For instance a minitruck would not ride as nice on sleeve bags as it would using a double convoluted bag mounted on the link bar. I have my theories, but they will have to be saved for another post.

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Smart stuff

Before I go any further, let me explain how spring rate works. A spring with a 100lbs rate takes 100lbs to compress the spring one inch, then another 100 lbs to collapse the spring another inch and so on… So a 500lbs rock would collapse a spring with a 100lbs rate 5 inches, but that same 500lbs would collapse a 250lbs spring only 2 inces.

Killing brilliant ideas

Okay, there is a misconception about mounting oversized double convoluted bags directly over the axle in order to cheat and get a nice ride. Well, there really isn’t any reason why you couldn’t run a large bag on your truck, but a nice ride is not always what you will get. The theory has merit, but the problems are worse than they appear. A giant bag will take very little pressure to lift your vehicle off the ground and the first inch or so will feel acceptable, but only in a small operation range. You can’t raise the suspension any higher and expect a tolerable ride, in fact the higher you raise the suspension the worse it will ride. This isn’t too big of an issue for around town where bumps are hit at slow enough speeds, but at freeway speeds the problem becomes quite noticeable. Until you go over a bump on the freeway at 60mph in a poorly set up vehicle, you won’t understand.

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A guy at a local carshow, Baton Rouge, LA- Designerol5 is the bomb! And by that I mean it gave me explosive diarrhea.  But not just any diarrhea. We’re talking true squirts of wisdom here.  Just pop it in and you’ll be running back and forth between the metal table and the shop toilet with the best ideas and worst mud butt you’ve ever had.  Thanks Designerol5!

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Braiden “T.J.” McDillmanberg, Mall Parking Lot, CA If your like me, than you can get good knowlidge from Designerol5. Even nuns made fun of me cuz I thought a Watts link was a bus connection to go and watch riots (now I know its for hooking up gages and BMW halo lights). It’s like wicked easy. I wake up, ask mom for breakfast, and shove in a Designrol. Just one a day for like almost a week or whatever, and I don’t just feel all smarter, but I’m designing with skillz, bro. We adapted some air bags we took from the neighbor’s cars, and once we get the steering wheels off wer’e  gonna show those guys at the lowrider show what hopping really is next week. I like totally never woodof thought of that before Designerol5.
I work at the Walgreens Photo counter for now, but I think my bro Jaiden said Designerol6 is coming with a camera. I’m totally gonna be a photographer, too cuz the best fab dudes write for magazines sometimes and taking pictures makes a story better.

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Designerol5® is not for everybody and should not be taken if: you have ever had an original thought,  have a history of intelligence, don’t like things in your ass, people like you, your truck is nice, if you simply know better. Also if you are taking any other knowledge enhancing drug and if you are smart enough to read this you should definitely consult a doctor before taking Designerol5®

Designerol5® has been shown to cause dry mouth, headaches, shitty welds, bloody nose, rectal bleeding, cockyness, hair lip, reverse 4-links, throbbing big toe on your left foot, pimply ass, an overwhelming need to cut up your mom’s car, anal chankers, a little spot on your eye can tingle, dizziness, holes cut in your fenders to clear 26s on your doored Toyota, water on the knee and hairy palms. If you have a past history of butchery, you should never take Designerol5®

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Special thanks to:

Eric Saliba- the Little Shop of Horrors, Brian Stupski- Problem Child Kustom Studio & Johnny O- Johnny O Photo for trying Designerol5®

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Please tell us about your experiences with Designerol5®